CEOs Explain How They Will Protect Abortion Rights

“Any employee in our red state distribution facilities will be given up to five minutes to cross state lines and find the nearest abortion provider before returning to work.”

“Starbucks will cover all expenses to fly unionized employees into the middle of the Pacific Ocean.”

“Probably just signing whatever bullshit statement about solidarity with women our PR team cooked up and letting it roll.”

“Are you asking on behalf of normal people or the non-rich ones too?”

“All I’m going to say is, a couple quarter-pounders will wipe out whatever’s going on in your internal organs, pregnant or otherwise.”

“I have no idea what my company does, so I can’t really answer this.”

“I know the name of every woman who will need an abortion within the next five years, but I won’t reveal them unless I am paid a very hefty sum.”

“Should any of my employees become pregnant, I will promptly book them a flight to a state where abortion is legal on a more respectable airline.”

“I am donating heavily to Democrats who will fight for abortion rights. At the same time, I’m donating heavily to Republicans who will fight against abortion rights, but if you just read the first thing I said, it sounds pretty good.”

“All employees who wish to have an abortion will be laid off so they can do so.”

“Apple will be promptly deleting all data and removing predatory period trackers from the app store in favor me keeping track of everyone’s periods on a secure paper calendar in my office.”

“Fuck, I don’t know. Donate a fan to a women’s shelter or something?”

“Sadly, we cannot contribute to any abortion funds at this time. We’re still in the hole to the Charles Schulz estate for over $600,000.”

“We can give women fruit baskets....will that help?”

“Great question. The first thing I’m gonna do is wake up around 7 a.m. and have a light breakfast before I do my morning workout routine, then I meditate for an hour, after that I answer all my emails while I have another small meal, then it’s time for an hour of blue-sky free association...”

“Two words: Vaginal shrimp.”

“Fast and efficient low-cost medical care has always been a cornerstone of the Target shopping experience, and our enthusiastic team members stand ready and able to perform any number of outpatient surgeries at the Guest Services counter.”

“I haven’t figured out if I want to pretend to be pro-life or pro-choice yet.”

“We are designing a pair of tight, starchy blue jeans so uncomfortable they immediately induce a miscarriage in the wearer.”

“Buy a few Samoa boxes—then we’ll talk.”

“Employees will be reimbursed up to $2,000 in free bucket hats.”

“I will prevent unwanted pregnancies by blowing women up.”

“All Denny’s nationwide have performed abortions on demand since the late 1970s, and we have no plans to stop now.”

“I am going to assassinate Justice Alito.”