Officer Claims He Cracked Open Man’s Skull To Check For Drugs

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KNOXVILLE, TN—Insisting he had probable cause to search the 19-year-old’s braincase, police officer Patrick O’Shea explained to his precinct captain Friday that he had cracked open the skull of local man Dante Singleton to check for drugs. “Given the suspicious appearance of the head in question, I had no choice but to smash in the man’s cranium to determine whether he was in possession of illegal substances,” said O’Shea, who, as a dozen police cruisers arrived on the scene as backup, went on to state that he was forced to break apart the teenager’s head because the suspect had refused to let him check the skull voluntarily. “I had every reason to believe he could be smuggling several kilos of cocaine or marijuana in there. It’s also possible there are several tons of narcotics concealed within this man’s rib cage, and if everyone would please stand back, I would like to pry that apart too.” At press time, O’Shea was seen planting a joint in between the folds of the suspect’s brain.